Your truth - a truth shared with many, more "women" and girls than others, saddens me! I don't pretend that I'm any "better" than other men and boys. We all have our issues - our traumas, our fears and other difficult emotions. You - should feel what you feel - it's not for others to judge (though they often do). My 1987 writing - https://www.georgemarx.org/2020/05/my-1987-mens-anti-rape-organizing.html - for me at least - sounds "relevant " today - we've not progressed forward - despite the Feminist Decades over the over 40 years - when I began my Anti-Rape work with other men! Trust your feelings, as well as your intuition! I'm sorry - that The Patriarchy is alive and often "well" - Rape - still isn't a "Men's" issue - which it needs to become - before it can fully be a "Human" issue! It isn't - "a few bad apples". Rather - it still is a system - that wears you down because you are Female, BIPOC, and probably of "an appealing age" (in the view of far too many men - and perhaps some women - as well! Best wishes! - George