XI — Much Better — Sadness, Grief, and Pain

Fully feeling my sadness and grief, as well as taking in and experiencing deeply my pain(s) — provides significant meaning in my life. When it is “too much” — I do need to let up and move out of “survival mode” — get beyond it — back into my growth.

Kidney stones — initially — tore me apart — making me feel almost like death was near. After I was admitted to the hospital, the pain lessoned. I then had the time to experience — the pain. Letting go — slowly being — in the moments — was very, very different — from how I had lived most of my prior life.

I was in a hurry — most of the time — rushing along — ignoring the painful realities of being who I was. I didn’t care for myself — I was disconnected from my heart. Being lost in my brains — I couldn’t experience my feelings — I couldn’t experience who I really am.

To be present — isn’t easy for many people! Most of us learn — in various ways — to stay away from the depths of who we really are.

Beginning the journey into myself is important for me! It is a process — not something I will every get to. It has meaning — it is challenging, but not difficult.

I am watching Monster’s Ball now — the tears are beginning. Crying — is important now — coming at various times. Tears can come from pain, and from joy.

I no longer want to escape — escaping is no longer desirable or necessary.