Pain and Fear

Substantial physical pain frequently takes over my body due to my persisting medical condition. The symptoms are less severe than they once were. I’m cautiously hopeful (again) that upcoming treatment will be “my answer”. A cure will be great. Significant improvement will be sufficient.

I’ve been trying recently to fully experience my feelings. I need to try to fully experience both emotional and physical pain, when it’s doesn’t overwhelm me. Growing up male, I learned to avoid, and numb my feelings. I am slowly unlearning attempting to “conquer” my difficulties.

As I feel, I can begin, to work with my body, rather than against it.

I am still a man.

As men, we often, minimize or don’t see our symptoms. We needlessly lose our primary relationships, recognizing the truth too late. We seek medical treatment too late to save our lives.

Pain can also relate to fear. They are different. I was afraid of the 2020 elections, starting in 2018. I had total fear of continued Republican power.

I also have fears of potential allies. Joe Biden has major weaknesses. His history is far from ideal. Bernie Sanders is flawed. Mayor Pete was “my hero”, until I recognized some of his limitations.

Close allies and friends can also feel problematic. I care about Palestinian rights. I feel shame about why Palestinians are bullied and killed, because of who they are. I see obvious parallels related to how we have been treated as Jews. Holocaust fears seem (to…