Having read a little of your writing, I would offer minimal advice - mostly the following: 1. Listen to and connect with your heart and spirit - while reflecting thoughts and "knowledge", 2. Where you have Trauma - particularly major trauma (as you've spoken of) - take as much time as it takes - to do your best to heal - and allow yourself - to "be yourself" - who you are becoming - not your (formerly) Traumatized being, 3. When you are deeply in Extreme Pain - seek comfort - even escape for the moment(s), 4. When the pain is less - try to be curious - experience the grief (which you've written of), and all your emotions - in safe - space(s), 5. Seek bonds - ties with women - as a woman and Love and Care for yourself so that if you are (which you seem to say you are) 6. Desiring a Primary Partner - who is male - you can be yourself - connecting with he - being himself. Toxic masculinity has affected me - as a Man - and you have clearly faced it (too much of it), The Patriarchy is and can Be Deadly! Community - Connection - Friends - and becoming who you really are - and want to be is Important. Life - with its pain - often can have a lot of meaning! Your Meaning is Unique - as all of ours' is. Best of Luck!